I talk a lot about the character traits of the toxic person and about how to deal with it and understand them. But I want to talk today about where our heads get stuck when we’re trying to remove ourselves.

We have all thought, “Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if these people disappeared? Wouldn’t it be nice if I could get up in the morning and didn’t have to deal with the stress that comes along with a family reunion? If I didn’t have to deal with putting out fires before she goes to work? If I didn’t dread when my mom or my dad calls because it’s always about how I’ve done something wrong?”

What would it be like if you could be out of your situation?

Speaking from experience, when you’re in it, you feel like there’s no way out. You feel stuck. It felt like I was in prison. It didn’t matter what I did or who I talked to or what I tried—nothing worked. You never really have time to make a plan, to get your head on straight, or to get organized to think clearly. Because if you are in a toxic environment or involved with toxic people, they are addicted to drama and chaos. Because drama and chaos get them attention. Right?

We in toxic environments are continually getting all of this chaos thrown at us, so, of course, we don’t have time to think about making an exit strategy. So what I want to talk about today is:

“How do I do this? How do I get out and know that everything’s going to be OK?”

Well, I’m the first one to tell you that you can talk to a thousand people that will tell you everything will be OK. But until you realize everything’s really is going be OK, you are going to convince yourself that everything is not going to be OK. So I want you to start thinking about this:

“This is the situation I’m in. Over here. There is where I want to be. Over there.”

Where is “over there” for you? Write in down with a pen and paper. You need to be able to see where it is you want to go. Because when you’re in the midst of all the chaos, you can’t see it. You don’t have time. Everybody else has needs and wants, so you don’t have time to see where it is that you want to go.

What does it look like there? How do you feel when you get there?

What you focus on is what you attract. I’m not going to go into the Law of Attraction, but if you can see where you want to be, that is your new beginning. We don’t know how fast you’re going to get there. The timeline is not something that you can control. We don’t know what it’s going to take on a day-to-day basis to get there. But if you can see where you want to be, you are already ahead. Visualize what you want your life to look like after the toxicity. Visualize the life that you would like to see yourself living. Again, we’re not worrying about how we’re getting there, and we’re not worrying about how long it takes. We’re just getting a vision in our head of what our life looks like when we get to where it is we want to go.

I don’t want you to think I’m telling you to daydream about something that you will never ever achieve. Really stop and think:

“If I could get out of this, and if I could move on, and if I could be who I need to be. . .What does that look like? Where am I at? How am I feeling?”

That’s what you can be doing today. Trust that the effort you’re putting in today is making a difference. Every little thing matters, and every little thing counts. Slow progress is still progress. So don’t get defeated when you set a boundary that gets taken away. I’ll say it again: Don’t get defeated. Trust that everything you’re doing to get to where you want to be is working. Even if it’s inch by inch, little by little, because you don’t know how long it’s going to take you to get there. Believe that you’re going to get there, no matter what life throws at you. Every step along the way is preparing you for what you need when you get there.

What are some of the things that make you or keep you stuck? Kids, finances, wondering where you’d live, thinking about your family and what people are going to think about you, questioning what will happen to your career—we have all of these questions. So if you feel like there’s something holding you back, take little steps every day to fix it, and then remember that you don’t have to know all the answers. If you are sitting there expecting that you are going to have a plan that is going to work down to the last specific detail, you’re fooling yourself. You don’t have to know all the answers, because there’s no way you could know all the answers. Just know where you want to go.

We can’t control the timeline. People throw obstacles in our way. They change our course. They change our plan. They’ll make us feel guilty or obligated, and we’ll turn around and go back. But each time you do that, learn something. Learn something new every single day, because I know that there are people out there feeling like they’re in the Groundhog Day movie. Every day is the same. You feel like you’re not getting anywhere. You’re just losing yourself and slipping backward. And that’s why I want you to start picturing where you want to be and to stop worrying about what is between now and where you want to be.

Each step you take, and each piece of effort that you put forth toward where you want to be, is going to slowly get you there, so trust your future self. That person is going to be able to handle the obstacles. As you grow and change, and as you move forward, you become a different person. So the obstacle you’re worried about that’s eight months away, by the time you get there, your future self will have it handled because you aren’t the same person today as you will be when it’s time to cross that obstacle.

I once heard an analogy about a flashlight. If you had a path, and it was dark and you had to get from one side of the forest to the other side of the forest in the middle of the night, and the only thing that you had was a flashlight, how would you do it? You’d shine the flashlight on your path and you’d step into the light. And then you’d shine the flashlight in front of you and you’d step into the light again. You don’t know what the next step is until you shine the flashlight ahead of you. And as soon as you shine the flashlight on the ground, you can take the next step.

It’s the same thing when you’re leaving a toxic environment. You could plan for three years, and your plan might not work. But you still need to take the first step. Trust yourself and know where you want to be, and expect that it may not go the way you planned. Shine that flashlight in front of you and step forward. You don’t have to know exactly how you’re going to get there. You don’t have a roadmap. And if you did, the road would be flooded.

Having strategic plan As and plan Bs and plan Cs are not going to be your way out of a toxic relationship. Your way to freedom is to be able to see where it is that you want to go. Because that is what is going to keep you stepping forward. If you never look up and if you never look to where you want to be, how are you going to know where you’re going?

I stayed too long because I overthought everything. When it came down to it, there was no plan. Any of the times. It just happened. And you know what? One day at a time, I stepped forward and I changed things and I tried things, and if they didn’t work, I changed things and I tried different things.

What would it be like to be out?

What would it be like to be free?

What would it be like to be able to go to work and be happy?

What would it be like to go out with friends and not have to worry about being judged?

What does it look like over there?

Start visualizing it, and the pathway will show up—not like the yellow brick road, OK? Some of our paths have a lot of speed bumps, and some of our paths have a lot of potholes. Some of our paths are gravel and you don’t have shoes. But if you can see where you want to go, regardless of the gravel and the speed bumps and the potholes, you’re going to get there. Because you know that’s where you want to be; no matter what you have to go through, that’s where you want to be. And that makes a whole lot more sense than not knowing where you want to go and staying where you are.

I know removing yourself from environments that are not healthy is scary. It is the scariest thing I have ever probably been through. And the recovery was the hardest thing I have probably ever been through. And listening to my clients express that this is the hardest thing they have ever been through is one of the most difficult things to hear! But then I see them turn the corner, and I see them put the pieces together, and I see their confidence and their self-worth grow. That right there is why I do what I do.

You’re not alone. Visualize where you want to be. Visualize what your life looks like when you’re free and happy and know that you’re worth everything that you once thought you were. And then when you get to where you’re going, turn around and be there for somebody else as they get to where they’re going.

Being free from a toxic relationship—there is no other feeling like it. So if you are in the midst of it—in the darkness, in the shadows, in the “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” area, start figuring out where you want to be, and don’t ever lose sight of it. The roads show up, I promise.

Thank you for being here. If your life is being affected by a toxic relationship, please take my FREE toxicity profile analysis or schedule a personalized consultation with me. You can also follow me on Instagram @Coachingwithdrheidi. Or you can join our private Facebook group, Strength Within. Take your first steps to freedom today! And remember, it’s not normal . . . it’s toxic.