Good afternoon!

Some of the people that have messaged me are struggling with making decisions on their own. So, I want to talk a little bit about making tough decisions—or even making decisions that shouldn’t be that tough but are tough for you to make.

There was a time in my life when decisions were avoided. I was more worried about making the wrong decision than I was about possibly making the right decision. Fear was making me absolutely paralyzed.

What might happen…what could happen…what would happen if I couldn’t make it…what if this…what if not that…when will it happen…when…why…what…

I was seriously frozen when it was time for me to make a decision. And not just on big things, but on little things.

Why did I let decisions and fear of the unknown control me? Because I allowed others in my life to make many of my decisions for me. Why? Because it was easier for me to let them make the decisions than to cause conflict. Why? Because of my personality.

You and I may have some similar personality traits. If you’ve listened to my podcast or read my blog, we’ve talked about how certain personalities are targets for toxic people.

Some of my personality traits that allowed me to fall into this cycle were:

The desire for me to make others happy

The servant-hood I have in my profession (since I’m in healthcare)

The strong desire to connect with people

These traits, among others, are a few of the traits that would attract toxic personalities to me. If you are reading this, chances are you are questioning one or a few of your relationships in your life. If the above personality traits seem consistent to you, then you probably have trouble making decisions too.

Toxic people like to control and be in control of other people and situations. They like to be in control of the people around them, the situations around them, and any activity around them. While this includes all the areas in which they are truly involved, toxic people also have a desire to control the people, situations, and activities that don’t actually involve them.

Toxic personalities tend to feel like everything is about them. We’ve talked about it before; your toxic personality—right, wrong, or indifferent—tends to be insecure. Their controlling and attention traits are geared toward trying to make themselves feel more secure.

From your career to your friends, your hair color, which shoes you’re wearing…they make everything involve them, and we end up having very little say regarding our daily life decisions. A lot of times we have very little to say about our overall well-being. The more they control, the less we control. Because, Heaven forbid, we stand up to ourselves.

Our personality is going to give. Our personality is going to take the blame.

The longer you spend in a toxic environment, the easier it seems to give up your rights to others. If somebody else is making your decisions, then there’s really no reason for you to be doing it. So when it comes time for you to make a hard decision, you can’t do it! When you’re in an environment that’s toxic all the time, it becomes normal to you to have other people decide what you’re eating, what you’re wearing, what you’re doing, where you’re working, who you’re talking to, who you’re hanging out with. If we disagree with them, there’s sure to be a disagreement, which is usually followed closely by criticism, comparison, blame, deflection, and a long list of traits that make us feel badly about ourselves.

Many of my clients have trouble even ordering off of a menu. I had a time in my life when I had the same problem. That’s just an example of how you can be so used to someone telling you what to do and what not to do. You can become so accustomed to getting negative reactions when making decisions, that you tend to back out of them—even the small ones. You’re scared of making somebody upset. You’re scared of causing someone to yell or of getting into trouble. But it leads you to growing numb to your feelings—what you want, what your desires are, what you want out of your life—because at the end of the day, if they’re making your decisions, then you don’t get to say what you desire out of life.

Coming back from this, for me, was very difficult. Learning to step out of my comfort zone and start making decisions without the influence of anybody else was a major undertaking. When you are used to it, having someone tell you what to do makes your life very simple. You just kind of go with the flow! It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re happy, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that your decisions are going along with your values, but when somebody else is telling you what to do and you are trained to go along with what somebody else is telling you, that’s just what you do.

But you have to learn to stay true to yourself. You can never please a toxic person no matter what you do. So quit giving up all of your decision-making abilities because they will continue to take them. The more you give, the more they will take. You are never going to be able to please everyone all the time. And you know exactly what I mean! You will never be good enough for that one person in your life that tells you if you just do this…then you will be good enough. You can do exactly what they tell you to do but, as we all know, as soon as you’ve done it, the goalpost has moved.

When you learn to put yourself first and learn to step over the fear of decision, your life will change dramatically. Now, I understand that this isn’t something that will occur overnight. I understand that it’s a lot more complicated than that. But as you slowly start making more decisions—even small ones—it will become apparent that it all works out, whether or not the decision was good or bad. Most decisions are not the end of the world like the toxic person would like you to believe. If you have a hamburger instead of a salad, it’s going to be just fine. If you decide to change jobs, that’s okay. If you cut your hair or wear shoes you actually like, pick a hair color that makes you happy, that’s okay. It all works out. Maybe not perfectly, but it all works out just fine.

What I can tell you is that the wrong decision is the decision you make because you let somebody else tell you to make it. Stay true to you! Everything happens just the way it’s supposed to. Nothing is a mistake. You can always change your mind, change your direction, change your hair color, and change your shoes.

Even though the toxic person will make you feel like your making the decision that they felt you shouldn’t make is going to make the world come to an end, it really doesn’t. For those who are stuck in the prison of indecision, stay true to you! Just because toxic people make you feel like they get to make your decisions, they don’t. That is a complete control tactic. You get conditioned to not making the decisions, and they can conditioned to making your decisions, which makes it harder and harder for you to step back and start making your decisions again.

So, never let that go! Or, if you have let it go, slowly start taking them back, and start small. Buy a different brand of toothpaste. Be brave enough to order something that’s too expensive from the menu.

Dare to be you! It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Each time you make your own decision, it will become easier the next time.

Don’t be afraid of the unknown! Rather, be curious of the new adventure that the unknown holds.

Don’t let decision making, big or small, paralyze you.

Toxic people are going to react, anyway! So, if you are an adult and you are allowed to make decisions for yourself, then I officially give you permission! Make it an adventure. You’ll never grow inside your comfort zone, and when somebody else is making your decisions, you tend to get comfortable.

You can’t live your life for other people. You have got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts the people you love.

When making a decision, big or small, flip a coin. It seems simple, right? Why would I suggest that you make a decision off of a coin toss? Because when the coin is in the air, you know in your gut what you are secretly hoping for.

Make the hard decision you are afraid to make to avoid living the hard life you are afraid to live. Usually, we know what decision we are supposed to make. When we are letting other people make it, it tends to be not what is best for us and not what reflects our true values.

I know this is a struggle for a lot of people, and I know that it seems like I’m making it sound easy, but my recovery in having to learn how to make decisions and dare to put myself out there and dare to take some risks was a ginormous undertaking. So, anyone out there who is learning to relive and is learning to make decisions on their own and plan their own life and make things happen for them, as opposed to the people who want to control them…I am on your side! I do not want you to feel like you are by yourself because it is a big deal to have to start retraining.

No matter what the decision you make, you can always change direction. You will be just fine, and everything will work out.

You can follow me on my Facebook or Instagram pages @coachingwithdrheidi, or reach out to me via the website.

On the website, I have a free assessment called the Toxicity Profile Analysis. It is 106 Yes/No questions that you answer and submit. It gives me a good overview of not only how severe a toxic relationship you might be in, but also which of the toxic traits of the toxic person that you may be being affected by. After you complete the TPA, there will be an opportunity to schedule some paid time with me to go over those results with you if you are interested, and that will give us an opportunity to chat!

You can also sign up for my mailing list on the homepage.

Thank you for listening and I will talk to you guys soon!