Good afternoon!

I have a topic today that I have truthfully been putting off. There’s been so many people messaging me about this particular topic, and right now I have quite a few clients that have asked questions about this topic. Even though I have kind of been avoiding it because it’s a touchy subject, I’m going to go ahead and talk about it today.

What I want to talk about today is children that are in the middle of toxic relationship divorces, toxic relationship separations, toxic relationship post-divorces. It seems to be a topic that is all of a sudden really active in my coaching clients.

Again, I want to mention the fact that I am not a counselor. I am not a therapist. I am just someone who has been there and has guided a lot people who are walking through the same fire. So, when I do these podcasts—especially this one, which is why I’ve been avoiding it—I don’t want anyone to think I have all the right answers. I have history with toxic relationships, and I did not do everything right. In fact, I probably did more wrong than I did right. I don’t want my information to come off like, “Dr. Heidi said…” because this is my opinion and this is how I see things now after being able to look back on my situations, as well as observing clients who are walking this exact path in their very own stories.

The topic of children is tough because you go into the relationship or the marriage thinking that it’s going to last forever.

“I’m going to have the happy family I always pictured, and it all starts with the perfect wedding.”

“I’m going to have the perfect home and it’s going to be so cute.”

“We’re going to have great holidays and wonderful family vacations.”

“We’re going to have great memories with lots of photos and videos of all of the good times we’re going to have.”

Is that the picture that you had in your head when you stepped into your relationship? That’s how it turned out, right? A calm, happy home with no conflict, right?

WRONG!

I am guessing that if you are an avid follower of mine, you are probably thinking, “Yes, that is exactly what I thought my life was going to look like. And now look at us! Everyone in the family is fighting. Everybody is disconnected. People are backstabbing each other. We’ve got people not speaking to each other. We’re fighting over the kids! We’re fighting over the stuff! The kids are fighting with me. The kids are fighting with each other. All I do is yell at people! I never used to yell, but now that’s all I ever do. We’re badmouthing each other. We’re trying to get people to pick sides.”

And that’s what your happy home is now looking like.

Even though we as adults can understand the concept of divorce, from a kid’s perspective, especially kids that have been raised in a toxic environment, you and the other parent are their world. All of a sudden it is falling or has fallen apart. Kids don’t understand that people are bad. Kids are trusting. If kids have been brought into this environment, why would they think either of their parents are bad? It’s what they’ve known from the beginning, so to them it’s normal. All of a sudden all of the dynamics are changing. The parents want them to see how bad the other parent is.

Now, this is sometimes just in any divorce. Divorces are hard and divorces are ugly. I don’t wish for anyone to have to go through one. All of a sudden the child’s world is ripped in half, and they are, more or less, asked to choose sides. That’s really not fair. Kids, up until they are about 19 or 20, can’t really even wrap their head around the different dynamics that go on in an adult relationship where there are kids involved.

Probably half of the individual clients that I have right now are struggling with the fear of losing their kids. When you’re married, you have your kids 100% of the time. I mean, sometimes they are at the baseball game or they are at the mall, but both parents have them all the time. All of sudden you are faced with the reality that you’ll only have your kids half of the time, and it absolutely tears your world apart.

We all know that’s what divorce is. Divorce is the separation of property and family matters. Period. So, obviously, that’s what’s going to happen. But to keep this in perspective for you, the kids are half yours and they are half your spouse’s or former spouse’s. If a partner is indeed toxic, they are always going to use the children to get what they want, which means still controlling you or sometimes trying to destroy you. But this is not the kids’ fault. Do not judge your kids harshly on how they act going through a divorce. Yes, they need to have some responsibility depending on their ages, but we just upset their entire environment. Even if was an unhealthy environment, it was the environment that they knew. So don’t judge your kids for what divorce or separation is doing to them.

They are going to want to please both parents. Toxic people control their children just the way they control other people. Especially after you leave the relationship or when you are trying to leave. When they can no longer control you, they will control others and how other people see you. A lot of times what will happen is when you exit stage left, the kids enter the position that you had. The toxic person is very controlling and very manipulative and very tricky to their kids.

Kids will migrate—like you did—towards the toxic parent in the same way that you migrated toward them. Whether it’s through manipulation, through guilt, through bribery or being spoiled, they will tend to migrate towards the toxic person. There are several reasons for this. It is easier to have others upset than to have the toxic person upset. If you’ve been in this relationship, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Remember how you quit talking to your family and talking to your friends because it made them angry? It is the same way with your kids. A toxic person wants to control you, so they isolate you from the people who love you and are your support system. They do the same thing to your kids. If you have always been the one that has been steady and strong and a support for your kids, that person will try to cut you off from them just like they tried to cut you off from your friends and your family and your support system. They can no longer control you if you are separated or divorced, but they can still make an impact on your life by using your kids against you.

That being said, you know how easy it was for them to manipulate you when you were in the relationship. They do the same thing to the kids, so you need to understand that after you leave, the kids go through very similar things that you did. Remember, a toxic person is very worried about how they look in public. They are always going to want to look like the good parent or the super parent. So, they are going to definitely go after the kids so they look good. They are also going to go after the kids so that you appear as the inferior parent. Toxic people are generally insecure, so when you take a step out of their control, they need to get that security back, and a lot of times that transfers straight to the kids. They still have a sense of control within the house if they can control the kids the way they were controlling you.

The toxic person has very little concern for the effects their actions are having on others as long as they get their way. This is the one that makes me sick, because kids don’t respond like adults do. But they don’t care about the effects their actions are having on the kids as long as they are getting to you and can still get you to react to them and still feel as if they can control your life.

A lot of times the toxic person does not acknowledge the ending of the relationship, and they still feel that they get to control you. They still have a 100% drive to try and control your life no matter how far along you’ve moved. When you lived with or close to them, they controlled everything that you did. Now, the only thing they can control you with is your kids. They will indeed try to turn your kids against you. They will try to make your life difficult, and they will try to make you look bad with your kids. It is no different than when you were in the same position with them when you lived in the household.

That being said, I spoke to two children this morning that I know were raised in an environment like this. Even though their answers were not exactly the same, they were very similarly based. They are always going to want to go where there is less conflict. Remember, all they know is that these are their parents, and now their parents are fighting. They don’t know or understand what “toxic person” means. They will migrate to whichever parent they feel there is less conflict with. If Mom is buying them stuff and spoiling them and being their friend, that’s going to be fun, so they are going to migrate to Mom. If one of the parents is promising them things and taking them on vacations, that’s where they are going to go. If there’s a parent being a parent and setting rules and setting boundaries, that’s the parent they are going to migrate away from. Parenting and boundaries is conflict. They are going to go where there are less rules. They are going to migrate away from the parent who is trying to parent, and migrate towards the parent that is trying to be their friend. And, eventually, as they grow up in this environment, they are going to fall into the same traps that you did. Fear. Tension. Control. Criticism. Ridicule. And they will be frightened to leave, also! It’s just the beginning of another cycle.

Now, the other thing that I absolutely believe to be true is that there is a huge difference between conditional and unconditional love. Unconditional love is always loving someone no matter what, no matter the circumstances, no matter the consequence. Conditional love is “If you do what I tell you to do or if I get my way and you do everything right, then I will love you.” I 100% believe that kids will migrate toward the parent of conditional love. If they 100% know that there is one parent that is unconditionally loving them no matter what they say, no matter what they do, no matter how long they’re gone…they’re okay because they know that parent is going to be there no matter what. But the parent who loves conditionally, they are going to migrate toward that person and do everything they want so they can gain their approval. They are always seeking approval from the parent who does not approve.

That is a very difficult thing for people to grasp because if you are the one who has been the support system, the one who has been the loving, caring person all the time, and the kids still migrate away from you…it’s very hurtful and it’s very painful. But at the end of the day, that’s exactly what you need to be doing. Because conditional versus unconditional…they will always come back to unconditional love. They will figure out what conditional love is as they grow.

Now, kids go through different stages, so I’m talking in general. Toddlers and babies maybe not so much. But as kids are growing and developing their personalities and their decisions and choices in life, that’s what I’m talking about.

What kids do not need is money. They do not need stuff. They do not need to be spoiled. They do not need a friend in a parent. They do not need tension. They do not need fear. They do not need criticism. They do not need conditional love, where love is given and taken away depending on their actions.

But I 100% will tell you and firmly believe that kids need an example. They need a support system. They need a parent who parents. And they need unconditional, unfailing love. No matter how bad the situation gets, no matter what the situation is, no matter how much pain and how much manipulation you as the parent go through, your kids need an example, a support system, a parent who parents, and unconditional love.

This will be the most painful thing you will ever do, but this is what you need to do for your kids, and they will come back. They will always come back to your example, a support system, the parent who parents, and unconditional love.

If you are the one that is struggling with this or you feel like you have been isolated, your kids will need to grow up and will have to make their decisions on their own and make their own choices as to who is in their life and who is out of their life. Just like you did! As they grow up and are allowed to make their choices, they will look at the parent of unconditional love versus the parent of conditional love. They will look at the choices between “Do I need all this stuff?” or “Do I want calmness and happiness?” They will look at the decision as “This person supported me, and this person took their support away from me every time I needed it.”

You being the good example, parent, support system, unconditionally loving no matter what, is what is going to bring them back. This may take months. This may take years. There are clients that I have who hadn’t seen their kids for three or four years and now they are best friends with their kids because their kids were allowed to grow up and make their own decisions and learn who in their life was unhealthy and who in their life was unhealthy.

Again, this probably makes it seem super easy, and I know it’s not easy. When I was going through my situations, it was the hardest thing I ever went through, and the kids were the hardest part of it. My advice to you is to be a solid rock for them, so they know who is always going to be there. They will come back.

If you do have questions or you need to reach out to me, you can reach me at my Facebook or Instagram accounts @coachingwithdrheidi or message me through my website contact form. On the website, I do have an assessment called the Toxicity Profile Analysis. That survey sheds a little bit of light on the toxic characteristics you may be affected by, as well as how severely you’ve been affected or how severe your current situation may be. It gives you a little bit of guidance moving forward, so that you can feel like “Okay, maybe this is something real. I felt like something was wrong for a long time, and maybe this is something I need to look into.”

I would love to hear from you, and, again, thank you for following!